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Sunday, April 25, 2010

All packed, but am I ready to leave?

Current location
My rented chalet-house in Bangi.
Now listening to
Yuna – current song: Permission
Void and slightly nostalgic. Also, that feeling I get whenever I’m about to leave a place for a long time..
Other activities
None. But I desperately wish there was internet. Or a companion.

I got back here last night; my brother dropped me off around 9 pm. It was so quiet and dark. The stillness was almost eerie. The realization that I was alone began to dawn on me as my brother started his car engine and backed out of the chalet compound. But I only truly realized that I was completely alone when the sound of the engine and tires against the dirt was no more to be heard.

Complete silence.

Silence and solitude sometimes breed unusual thoughts in the mind. And that is why I’ve had plenty of time to think last night and this morning. There’s so much to do: my luggage needs packing, some of my clothes need washing, and the house could need a little cleaning before I leave to France.

Speaking of leaving to France, that’s actually just next week! At this point I still haven’t wrapped my head around this reality. It’s imminent yet it seems so unreal. Sure, the last 20 months I spent in MFI were solely for the purpose of preparing to go to France, but I’ve never really given much thought about that. I’ve never really thought much about going to France, I never was excited as such; I never really anticipated or looked forward to it. I just lived my life from day to day, not thinking too much about the future, just living in the moment. I attended classes, I studied, I did my homework (sometimes), I sat for tests, all without really keeping in mind the goal: to continue my studies in France.

Right now it’s slowly beginning to hit me: I’m actually going to France. But my thoughts keep wandering off to the past, especially since I’m alone in the chalet in Bangi right now. I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve spent here in Bangi, in MFI.

I’ve had so much fun and great moments here in this house which I’ve grown accustomed to calling home. All the great fun I’ve had with the friends I made over the last 2 years starts to play back in my mind now, triggered by the silence of this house. I feel almost a little sad to leave this town. Even though there’s nothing much here as entertainment goes, I’ve spent so much time here that I’ve become quite accustomed to living here. I’ve grown quite fond of this chalet house, I’ve grown quite comfortable with life here in Bangi. I guess that’s normal; you spend enough time somewhere, or with someone or something, that eventually you get used to it, eventually it becomes a part of you, at least a little. You get just slightly attached, and when it’s time to leave, there’s a faint feeling that a little part of you just died inside.

Okay, maybe not that attached la, but you get my drift. Can I use the word Nostalgia for memories that only go back 2 years? I think that’s the word that best describes my feelings right now. A longing to hold on to the comfort of the past, and the comfortable routine I’ve gotten used to.

But when I think about it, this is just a house. Bangi is just another town. And MFI is just another institution. (Not that I’m going to miss MFI anyway – I never cared much about it). And the memories that I’m reminded of, sitting alone in the living room right now? Well, I’ll have more great moments when I’m with France. After all, my friends are going with me to France. It’s not like I’ll never see them again.

I just finished packing my clothes into my suitcase. There’s a few more clothes in the laundry basket which I meant to send to the dobi today, but it’s not open yet, So I’ll just have to get them washed when I get back from Sabah on Saturday.

I’ve just taken a shower, and I’m all set, ready to go, and I spend just a few more moments at home, as if this is the last time I’ll be here. I know I’ll be coming back this weekend, but this is still like goodbye; it’s goodbye in stages. Right now it’s goodbye for a week, next it’ll be goodbye forever. But it’s only a place that I’m leaving. The people I adore will be in that flight headed to France on the 4th of May, and I’ll just look forward to that.

I grab my bags, and as I stand at the door and look back into the house, I feel like I’m about to close a chapter of my life as I close the door. It would be the perfect novel-like ending to this post, but then I realize that I forgot to switch off the fan in the kitchen, and I have to take off my shoes and go back in. Great.

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